Are you ready for some...?

It's been 13 years and though I really still don't get America's fascination with "football", I have tried:

In '94 I got an internship in the sports department of WUSA 9, DC's CBS affiliate. I was supposed to sit there Sunday afternoons, watch the games and make note of big plays. Needless to say it was a very short lived internship.

During the 1999-2000 season I spent many a rainy Saturday afternoon watching college games, drinking beer and eating Trio pizza with then future roommate Dr. Robbie, a Notre Dame alum and ardent Fighting Irish fan. College boys in tight uniforms, that's pretty hot!

That year's Varsity Blues also found a special place in my heart, or is it really Scott Caan's marvelous ass that I remember so fondly?

And in 2002 I spent Thanksgiving in Dallas, watching the Cowboys thrash the Redskins at Texas Stadium (OK, so it was only 27-20), but as much as I loved the experience, the muscle boys performing in the Cirque du Soleil-esq. halftime show and this one particular hottie on the sideline were the ones that really held my attention.

Tonight, Wednesday, marks the season finale of MTV's Two-A-Days (though my Tivo will preempt the show and instead record Project Runway). Will the boys of Hoover High win another state championship? Will #24 Max be caught short in his skin-hugging Under Armour? And will #34 Alex take his shirt off one last time?

That entire towns can become so entrenched, besotted and only identified by their high school football teams truly amazes, fascinates, and even scares me. It makes me wonder if football is really little more than another "cult," not so unlike Scientology (or any other religion come to think of it) that people worship on Sundays, pour many billions of dollars in to, discuss and debate ad infinitum, but ultimately get very little out of.

Now these strapping young Hoover boys have finished their season, I'll tune into NBC's Friday Nights Lights to get my fix of crazy football worshipping zealots (and young actors pretending to be strapping young players), and hopefully learn more about the mindset of Middle America.

HOH Shocker!

Through the beauty of Tivo, I watched last night’s Big Brother eviction episode just this morning with my coffee and cookies. The backdooring of Kaysar was hardly unexpected, what with James’ turncoat formation of the Legion of Doom alliance with Danielle and the Chilltown boyz. What I didn’t expect was Julie Chen’s abrupt revelation to Kaysar that James had turned on S6, and Janelle in particular, calling her a “stupid bitch” among other things.

Kaysar, being suitably devastated, announced that he was “just not cut out for this game,” it being played in such an underhanded way. I just think he’s simply played the game like a pussy this year!

In a more shocking turn of events, Erika is actually not the HOH this week. There were technical malfunctions with the gaming equipment (rewinding my fabulous Tivo it was apparent that Howie did indeed hit his button and should not have been eliminated). Turns out that Janelle is, for the third time, back in charge!!!

BUT PLEASE JANEY, no more stupid nominations ‘coz you want to be the only pretty girl left in the house. It’s time to take out Chilltown, or at least that loser “Chicken” George.

Six Fingered Again?

To be backdoored once is unfortunate, but to be backdoored twice, well that's just plain sad.

And no, we're not talking about freaky sex acts.

But it looks like it’s happening again to poor Jase, the broad shouldered, Brad Pitt loving, former Four Horseman with the perfectly coiffed dirty blond locks from Big Brother’s 5th Season. Maybe his hissyfit wasn’t the best response, but I can sympathize. You want to play the game, not be played by the game! And certainly not the second time around!

But James, I ask you this: Is Chicken George really that big a threat (and yes I dislike him as much as you do)? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you should stick ‘em where it hurts! Take out the Big Bad’s (Dr. Will) stooge (Boogie), and then the good doctor is really gonna hate being in the house!

And finally you CBS All-Star producers, here’s one for you: Why not mix up this whole veto thing? Sporadically bring back the old Silver Veto (the winner of which can’t use it on themselves, even if they’re on the block), and better yet, introduce a new Platinum Veto™ (instead of the HOH choosing a new nominee, let the veto winner have that honor). And don't let the houseguests know hat type of veto it is until the game has been played. Now wouldn't that make the game more interesting?

I Can't Stand It!

They’re all idiots!

And Kaysar in particular! Truly, what was he thinking? Trying to get rid of “the floaters” thereby letting “Chilltown” slide for another week. OK, so Nakomis was the mastermind behind the 6-Finger Plan – which ousted Jase in Season 5 – but come on, with Erika winning the veto, this was the perfect opportunity to kick the Evil Dr. Will where it hurts, taking out of play snotty sidekick Mike Boogie, thus breaking up the one truly strong alliance in the house (yes “S6” ain’t so invincible, trust me). Instead Kaysar took the lily-livered pansy-boy way out by trying to save his own skin for a week or two longer.

At this point I’m rooting for Marcellas, the one voice of reason so far this season.

Will I be this delusional once I get in the Big Brother house?

Especially for Tos: Reality Round Up

Better late than never!

"How do you choose between gonorrhea or the clap?"

How deluded are these people in the Big Brother house? They've played the game once already, and still don't get it! Danielle lost first time around because people got sick of hearing that she needed to "bring home the money for the family." Alison worked it in Season 4, compromising both her morals and integrity... i.e. she was one conniving bitch! It may be true that "blonde girls hate blonde girls" (the producers must have been dieing for a Janelle-Alison catfight), but it wasn't a huge surprise when Alison was evicted. Seriously girls, don't play so hard, certainly not at the beginning, and certainly not when everyone already knows how you play the game!

Michael Kors and that bitchy chick from Elle are back for Project Runway 3, with a crop of designers who seem a tad older this go around. This group is already somewhat well established in the fashion world, albeit maybe Barbie's world. And while Mattel designer, and friend of a friend, Robert is pretty buff-looking as Project Runwayers go, I won't be staying tuned for glimpses of shirtless men (like I do The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency), but I am totally intrigued by the "shocker" that will "rock the runway" in a future episode!

Speaking of Janice, she was just one of many queens at this years Palm Springs' White Party, and probably not the only one in feathery couture. Meanwhile half of everything Chef Gordon Ramsay uttered was bleeped out again on FOX's Hell's Kitchen, and even I stood up Last Comic Standing this week, I mean with mediocre comics and no Jay Mohr what’s the point?

Back on Bravo, it's at last painfully obvious that Kathy Griffin really is a D-Lister after all. Her performance for those corporate folks, who didn’t have a clue who she was, and her anxiety about what her set should consist of was truly torturous. And then there was that rat suit! She may have an A-List house, but...

Next week’s episode, the season finale, has come around way too quickly again! The season has been marred however by the Kathy and Matt "are they" or "aren’t they" question (the answer: they aren’t, having officially divorced on May 15th). Matt's looked miserable this year. Wouldn’t you look happier if you’d borrowed if $72,000 from your wife’s checking account?

Up next, more Reality coming to a TV near you:

Who Wants to be a Superhero? begins July 27th on Sci-Fi (which Jason’s Room remined me about), and begs the questions: What super powers would you have? And aren't super heroes supposed to have muscles?

Workout, with lesbian gym owner Jackie, and former Amazing Racer Rebecca, which Bravo reminds us about every commercial break, and then as I drive to work there's that billboard that bares down on me at the corner of La Cienega and Santa Monica.

What did Wendy do?

With the advent of Project Runway 3 this Wednesday at 10pm, Bravo has been re-running the first season of the show, the final three episodes of which I caught while flipping the channels on Sunday afternoon. I missed Season 1 (I’m no fashionista, though I got surprisingly hooked on Season 2) so I was quite perplexed by the intense hatred and animosity between Middleburg, VA’s own Wendy Pepper, eventual winner Jay and the stately, but shoe-fiddling, Kara Saun. What made Wendy such a bitch? Just how “strategic” had she been? Or was she really just a c**t? I may never know!

The guest judge for the finale was Parker Posey, all big hair and glasses, though lacking the quips that have made her the darling of many an independent movie (and the savior of Superman Returns, stealing every scene from a lackluster Kevin Spacey).

Ms. Posey also happened to star in the last of the Scream movies, all three of which we watched over the weekend. As actress Jennifer Jolie, playing news-bitch Gale Weathers (Courtney Cox Arquette), Parker is again the highlight of the movie. Joe hadn’t seen any of the Screams, and I’d forgotten just how classic these films (the first two anyway) are. Without scrib Kevin Williamson, a bunch of unknowns (Matt Keeslar? Emily Mortimer?), and an ever-dwindling Cox (comely and busty in 2; skinny as a rail in 3), the final movie just doesn't quite make the "classic" grade.

In other news, the Pursuit of the Perfect Tan was steadily realised by another trip to Venice (no sunblock, no burning, and still uneven), and the Civil War has begun (and I missed the beginning). The Marvel Civil War that is, another one of those multi-comic story arcs that promises to change the Marvel Universe as we know it. Heroes will die. Heroes will be born. And some will be unmasked. Whose side are you on? (all sounds a little like Big Brother doesn't it?)

The Best Thing About July 4th...

Is that it marks the return of that summer classic Big Brother! And after 6 years CBS is giving us an All-Star season.

If you think about it, it's really quite amazing that the series has stood it's ground, especially after the god almighty awful Year 1 that pitted the embarrassing "Chicken" George against... Hum? (yes, no one remembers that year), and Year 2, which introduced the evil Dr. Will, but was then marred by the tragedy of September 11th.

Julie Chen is again our hostess with the mostest. Remember the days when critics scorned her for deviating from her hard-news roots to host a "light entertainment" program. Katie Couric did stints in Will & Grace and Austin Powers, and now she's CBS' nightly anchor - OK, so maybe that's not the best comparison. At least Julie's choice in outfits has vastly improved over the years (we still like to snigger occasionally however).

With this being the All-Stars, the first question of the evening was how the hell did Erika get America's choice vote over Dana? Or even Ivette for that matter? And then for the producers to pick George... Well, that was just plain disgusting! But let's think back to our original choices, why no:

Toothbrush-dunking Shannon, or super-hot hunky Hardy - you should really click on thru here (from Year 2)
Lush Amy, fireman Eric or devilish Roddy (from Year 3)
Alison's little ex Justin or the one cool gay Will (from Year 4)

Maybe they just didn't want to denigrate themselves again for another summer. Or maybe they just have fulfilled and happy lives out of the reality show spotlight.

And it looks like Danielle will soon be joining them back on the sidelines! Why must some people play too damn hard from the get go? If she's such a great player, why couldn't she see that she was just getting herself in deeper and deeper?

With the Blonde Bombshell duo of Jase and Janey in the HOH driving seats, aliances already forming (and fraying), and Dr. Will seething at not being nominated, Year 7 has started off with aplomb!

Oh America!

It is at trying times like these that I am so glad that I am not (yet) an American!

What were you people thinking? Super hottie Chris Daughtry gets booted from American Idol and the ultimate wedding singer Taylor Hicks is still in the running? Isn't this type of travesty the reason why CBS stopped the public voting off the (interesting) houseguests on Big Brother after Season 1. Isn't this the reason I haven't watched Idol since season 1 (damn you Mikey and Tony for getting me hooked). This whole debacle reminds me of the similar ousting of Tamara Gray that first year (yes, I know she got a guest spot on Boston Public, but still).

Chris has been the one consistent performer on the show this season. OK, so he's had a couple of average songs (due to poor song choice rather than performance). OK, so he's been in the bottom two before. OK, sometimes his jeans are just that bit too tight that his package is clearly visible. But please, to be voted off at this late stage... It's just ridiculous. He should have made it to the final two (with Elliot), and if, as many seem to be predicting, Taylor does become the next American Idol, America will have created just another Ruben Studdard and not a new Kelly Clarkson, as Chris clearly could have been!

Bravo Reality!

They may have over saturated the market a year or so back with the Fab Five, but Bravo has hit more than one ball out of the park with it's recent batch of reality programming. While last month we said "Auf Weidersen" to Heidi Klum and the instant classic that was Project Runway 2 (though yes, I agree, Chloe's win was a bust, but let's not forget that leather corset-vest thingy Daniel made for her, one of the worst outfits of the season), we recently welcomed back new daddy Jonathan Antin in his third season of Blowout. Not a lot of tears so far, instead there's been intense close-ups of therapist, Doric; heavy, but hysterical, renditions of Hickory Dickory Dock and "Insey Winsey Spider"; and the "Sugar Daddy" Pussycat Dolls auditions. I hope copious amounts of tears will soon flow!

Top Chef started slowly but has gathered momentum week by week. Bravo apparently insisted there be one openly gay chef in the mix. Casting director Randy and Spago manager Mike both assured me that Stephen is simply an arrogant asshole and not a big 'mo, (though I'm not so sure, he's still young, give him time); Tiffani apparently sleeps with men (shocking I know, could there be a bigger dyke), as does Dave (which is no surprise to anyone), but no gay man I know would admit to eating Dave's lasagna, at least not in the weeks leading up to the White Party.

And then there's The Real Housewives of Orange County, which I have to admit to have not watched yet (though I do have it Tivoed - which yes, is back up and running, the question is for how long?). Here in SoCal everyone's watching and talking about it, though anyone from the OC is disgusted with the show and argue their lives are nothing like those portrayed; Jamie on Star 98.7 hates housewife Jo with a passion; and who doesn't want to have a go at foul-mouthed baseball-playing hottie Shane? Let's all get Botox and shop!

Not withstanding the homoeroticism between Eric and Jeremy, the Race has stumbled badly of late, while that Exile Island idol has been hampering the Survivors (and is fighter pilot Terry just another fireman Tom?), and really isn't it just more of the same on American Idol (but I do love Chris). As such, this batch of Bravo reality programming is looking fresher, feistier and funnier than ever.

Ready! Set! Race!

On Tuesday night, after a dismal family-oriented edition CBS' The Amazing Race is back at it's best!

With it's eleven teams of existing reltaionship couples - the Hippies, Frat Boys, Ken & Barbie, Glamazons and love-lorn Geeks amoung them - the Race's 9th season sprinted out of the starting gate, and off to São Paulo, Brazil, with aplomb!

But I do have a question for The Race's casting director (and, for that matter, all casting people on reality shows)... Why must the gays be so f**king queer? I usually route for the homos, but not this time! John & Scott were worthless excuses for competitors. With their lisps, fear of flying and reliance on "genie" power, these "girls" so obviously couldn't cut the mustard they were eliminated by episode's end. Yes, they didn't even warrant a spoiler alert.

Let's think back: Bunky, Marcellas, Survivor: Africa's Brandon, Will, Oswald & Danny, Lynn & Alex, Apprentice 4's Clay... Why are we gays always portrayed as the sharp-tounged fashionistas with limp wrists. Even Race winners Reichen & Chip (that season's sole "married couple" - a joke in itself, since Reichen jumped ship as soon as he found some fame) weren't exactly mountains of masculinity! Aren't there any hot, humerous, jock-like gay boys out there? Oh wait... there's Eric & Jeremy... well Jeremy, who's really hot, a total jock, and as gay as they come - he just hasn't admitted it to himself yet (and he's certainly in love with Eric)!

End of Week Errata

It's been a week since my last post, so I've either been very busy, very boring or just very apathetic. Here some thoughts:

Vonage - thank you for (finally) admitting that you don't work with TiVo (unless you're in New York).

TiVo I still hate you! It shouldn't be so difficult to find a bloody network adapter! Don't give me crap about finding them on ebay, just have them in stock! Or change your f**king networking requirements!!! [Yes, I'm still TiVo-less, and I'm dieing!!!]

"NJGROWN" we love you!

Take a ride in one of those iJoy chairs and enjoy a good massage for free at Plummers on Venice.

Don't have sex when you still have diarrhea. It ain't pretty!

Lost's Sawyer is a bad bad boy.

Auf Wiedersehen Nick! At least you looked pretty in pink!

Chief Chirpa revealed as Toy Fair 2006 opens in New York city. I can't wait for LA's ComiCon!

Why doesn't Ann ever get to go to the Olympics? At least she doesn't have to deal with Katie for a couple of weeks! [Katie move on over to CBS, I'm ready to wake up to Campbell Brown in the mornings]

Fridays just aren't Fridays without Wolfgang's lamb meatballs!

Note to people back in DC - it's 85 and very sunny!